What comes to mind when studying for finals senior year:
– I need to pass
– I can’t wait for the senior trip next week (that I had organized because I was senior class president)
– Graduation
– My brother’s Bar mitzvah two weeks later
– And all that comes after…
I went away for high school (a story maybe for another day) and I boarded with a local family (In Philadelphia – I’m from NY), who also happened to be the principal of the school.
I have boundless gratitude for the family and all they did for me 
!
Anyway… in typical me fashion, instead of studying for my finals like most average people, I woke up at 5 am to study. I had my headphones blasting with the music from my walkman – and yes it was Backstreet Boys (and yes I just aged myself).
My parents tried calling my Nokia cellphone – but I, for obvious reasons, didn’t hear it. They then called the family and woke them up – telling them that my brother was sick and I needed to rush home.
The Shocking Phone Call
Mrs. Lichtenstein, the mother of the family and of my heart, came to wake me. None of this made any sense to me at all. For many reasons.
I remember taking a minute to hand them my binder for the class trip, I remember knowing I wasn’t coming back.
The father of the family, Rabbi Lichtenstein, my principal and second father figure, drove me downtown and got me on the next Amtrak express train into the city. We all understood without knowing that there was a sense of urgency. I needed to get to Brooklyn ASAP.
I remember sitting on the train thinking – it’s too late, that my brother had passed away. Which is crazy because nothing was said to me. Just get home I kept telling myself. But it’s said that we know, we sense when something is off.
From the Amtrak terminal, I got on a subway to get home to Brooklyn. My mom met me at the train station – another oddity. Usually, I would just walk, especially if I didn’t have luggage.
We drove the three city blocks home and instead of parking, my mother made a U-turn and parked in front of our neighbor’s house where she told me that my brother had passed.
They were getting ready for the funeral
My first reaction was to call her a liar. And then I started screaming and crying. We walked into our home, and there were a ton of people there. My parents’ close friends were there to help with all the little ones and get ready for the funeral.
My best and oldest childhood friend was there – she took me by hand, found some old clothes in my room, and handed them to me to change.
In Jewish custom – it’s customary to rip your shirt at the funeral (just for the immediate family members), hence the change of clothes.
Jewish Customs
Here’s a full guide to the customs https://www.chabad.
Family Came Pouring In
About an hour after I got there, my grandparents pulled up.
The night before they had arrived at my uncle’s house – 5 hours away, only to be awakened at 5 am by my mom, they turned around and came right back.
My father’s brother from LA – my aunt and uncle came to be with us.
My Aunt Pam was due and a few weeks later named her daughter after my brother – she’s the only one to this day named after him.
So grateful the outpouring of love
My entire HS class showed up at the funeral along with some of my teachers. We were a close bunch of 14 girls. And we had a crazy year – during midterms one of our classmates lost her father and I lost my brother during finals.
Some of the following weeks a blur and parts stick out to my mind.
I remember a family friend – DLH force-feeding me, for the first time in my life I had no appetite.
I remember my friend, Miri G, not leaving my side except to take her finals. I legit don’t know how I would have survived the week without her. My classmate F. who had lost her dad stayed over for a couple of days. I’m so grateful and thankful for all the outpouring of love and support.
My brother, Dovid, is still missed
My brother, Dovid, it was 17 days before his Bar Mitzvah. Why he didn’t wake up, we can make assumptions, guesses, etc… but in reality as painful as it is till today. I need to remember that Gd has a plan that HE didn’t share with us, but He took a gift back.
Dovid was the kid that always had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He was giving and he was kind. Also a bratty younger brother.
If you are looking for reassurance that the grief gets easier to handle it does until one morning you wake up and it tears you apart.
But 16 years later, it doesn’t affect your day-to-day – most of the time until it hits you. Like today, it hit me which compelled me to finally write it out. But man this wasn’t easy. I don’t know that it was purging, only that it was time to do it.
If you have lost someone or feel grief for any reason – I’m sending you a hug and a prayer for you to get thru this <3
In Health
Zelda
