Asaf and I met in 2011. At the time I had this vague knowledge of having been diagnosed with PCOS but having no clue what that meant. So I broached the topic with the guy I was dating that I knew I was marrying, scared what his response would be. And he was chill with it. He said ok.
I don’t think he understood what that meant.
Shortly after we were married I started working with an applied knesiologist. After a year and still not pregnant, I decided to try another homeopathic method. I saw a cranial sacral therapist. And it worked. A couple months later we were pregnant!
During the pregnancy and after, I continued to see both and take my vitamins. I was really hoping to get pregnant quickly after Leah’s birth. My cycle started when Leah was about 6 months old. Nothing happened. And I held onto my belly in the hope that it would become full again. And for eight years- nothing .
My two biggest reasons for not seeing a fertility doctor were:
1 – We couldn’t afford it. Fertility treatments can cost upwards of 20k (sorry if that’s scary). There was an organization where we lived at the time that supposedly helped families with infertility, but when we called they said we didn’t qualify because we already had a kid. Additionally, we own and run our own businesses, so there was no insurance that we could get to help with the coverage (trust me I looked).
2 – I was scared of how my body would react to all the meds. In general, I’m not a big fan of medications unless I need it. I don’t take Tylenol until my headache gets bad or if one of my homeopath options didn’t work. When Leah was about 3, was the first time I was actually willing to recognize and acknowledge that maybe we were having a bigger issue.
I went to see my OB and he put me on clomid (rookie mistake) and didn’t monitor me. We tried that for 3 months and that messed up my body and my cycle. My first month, I got my period within 30 days, which was great, but then nothing. To say I was frustrated, is an understatement.
So we waited another year
In the meantime, I started this amazing transformation, where I finally lost the weight I had been holding onto since Leah’s birth.
I was hoping that with a 45# weight loss, it would move things around inside so that I would magically become pregnant. I was hopeful. But while that has happened to a number of women I know, that wasn’t meant to be our journey.
About 9 months later, I was still feeling groggy and was struggling with brain fog, so a friend suggested I go to see this Dr in the city. He ran labs and said my T3 was a little low and put me on armour. At first, my energy went way up, and then it went way down.
He was also a Dr that specialized in fertility. I was happy, two birds and one stone kind of thing.
Unfortunately, It was an awful experience. The Dr didn’t monitor me the way he was supposed to, put me on Clomid again, and took a healthy thyroid, and made it completely underachieve.
My numbers were really low. That sent me to my next Dr. We have a friend that went on and on about a specific Dr that helped get them pregnant. They couldn’t stop talking about him. Which I totally understand.
The Dr’s office was conveniently located in Long Island (where we lived at the time). My first meeting with him was so promising. He started me on metformin. Another drug that many Dr’s use with PCOS women and it does nothing most of the time. It helped for the first cycle and then again it did nothing.
When we had met the first time, he was confident that I wouldn’t need to do IVF to get pregnant. Just the thought of having to do IVF was scary and overwhelming and shameful. It shouldn’t be shameful but there you go…
To me, the thought of doing that meant that my body couldn’t do the one thing it was created for. The hurt and the guilt and the fear that the thought brought on was huge. So when the Dr informs me at the second meeting that we will most likely have to do IVF, I was mad. And the meeting didn’t end well.
I didn't want to regret not doing it
About 6 months later we moved again (what – only 4 times in 10 years). We decided to move to a more suburban area than where we were living. We went from the beach to the mountains and we love it here.
A friend of mine told me about another infertility-related organization that helped emotionally and would help with information. She herself was pregnant through IVF and encouraged me to try it. Her words- I didn’t want to regret not doing it. With that in mind, I called them.
To say the cycle is no fun is an understatement for me. I have a fear of needles that is irrational. I dont necessarily have a reason for it, but thats what makes it irrational. I can barely get blood drawn, and if the person isn’t quick, I may have a panic attack.
We purchased all the needles and necessary equipment ($5k later) and Asaf was going to administer the shots. That worked twice. I was so overwrought from the shot and the hormones that I didnt want him to come home at night, him coming home meant that I was going to get jabbed.
So.. we hired a nurse to come to the house everyday and stick me.
That helped. They directed me to Dr Levine of the Fertility Institute of NJ & NY. We met with him and were very impressed with him as a Dr and his demeanor and respect towards the patient.
He is a soft-spoken and gentle person, probably the combination I needed. And his office really takes the time and effort to get to know you.
Of course as we were deciding to start getting ready for treatments, COVID hit. It took a couple of months for them to reopen, and when they did, they prepped me for an egg retrieval cycle.
The day of the retrieval came, and they retrieved 42 eggs. The only reason I’m sharing this is because the number means nothing. I have friends that got 1 and got pregnant with that 1. That’s all you need. From 42, 32 got fertilized and then got genetic testing done (another $6k) and 15 came back with healthy embryos that were ready for the transfer.
Before the transfer, I got one shot. My Dr seeing how much distress the needles were causing me, put me on an oral and internal medicine treatment with the progesterone. I just couldn’t fathom getting poked every day. The progesterone had a field day with me. I was so sick for 3 weeks prior to the transfer. I could barely drive, stay awake or look at a screen. My life was on hold. And then came the day we were most excited for… the transfer. We were so hopeful. And the two embryos took about 2 weeks. And then we weren’t pregnant anymore.
The loss was huge.
I don’t regret that we did the IVF process.
I do feel grief that we lost the babies. But I know that it’s not up to me. And so I hold onto my faith and know that it is what it is.
We are so blessed to have our daughter.
We are so blessed to have each other
And that’s what matters most 
